Wine-spilling season is upon us as I throw my doors open for a neighborhood book club meeting, and I’m hoping it’s as wild and carefree as I’d always imagined. I’ve wanted to be the kind of hostess who could say, “Don’t worry about spilling the wine. I have a miracle product that takes that stain away. Watch!” And there I’d be, just dabbing away at blood red liquid and it would disappear in seconds. Of course, I could just tell everyone to drink wine in the kitchen or garage. Or, I could serve white wine, but serving red wine on the good couch without even covering it in plastic is a bold and generous move that says, “I trust you—and the cat.”
So, I bought one of those miracle wine stain remover products and poured a glass of port at 9 a.m. on Saturday. Then, I stained the couch. The couch is chocolate brown, so I thought that a red stain wouldn’t show up too much. I also tried to pick an inconspicuous spot. Then, I sprayed the “miracle product” onto the couch and let it work its magic. And, just like magic, it turned the spot to a rusty orange color. The product itself had a pleasant citrus aroma and I noticed that it sprayed on as a kind of white foam. While I waited, I watched the stain grow. “Is this the miracle I’ve been waiting for?” I thought.
As the orange stain spread, my inconspicuous spot started to look a lot more conspicuous to me. It has been over an hour, and now I still have a stain on my couch, just in time for the book club party—which will only encourage people to just sit on the couch and spill wine.
“See? She doesn’t care. The couch is already stained,” someone might think, but I do care. I care a lot.
“How am I supposed to sleep at night knowing that there is a stain on the couch—and that I did it?” I asked Nate.
“I’ll sleep well,” he replied.
When Nate realized he could be more helpful, he suggested that I try the “miracle product” on something white. He figured that perhaps, this product should only be used on lighter colored fabrics. At first, I thought about testing the product out on a white throw rug in the living room, but better judgment seized a hold of me and pointed me in the direction of my lingerie drawer. Even better judgment told me to look one drawer to the right and grab a running sock. Then, I went book club crazy on that sock and doused it in wine.
Grabbing the miracle stain remover product, I sprayed the heck out of that sock and was hopeful when I saw the white foamy liquid bathe the red splotches in powerful cleaning agents. After waiting the required 1-5 minutes, I dabbed away at the stain, but I only managed to turn the sock purple. Nate decided to give the product a try and, for a half a second, it looked like Nate could get it to work—but no, my sock is now stained. However, it does pair well with the couch.
As I read tips on the Internet for removing stains from fabric, I think that my best bet is to just launder the sock and the couch cover. In fact, when Alex spilled red Gatorade all over his khaki pants at the swim banquet last year, I just used some dish soap to get the stain out. Then, I ran them through the wash and you would have never known that those pants were once at the mercy of a teen athlete at a raucous swim banquet. The true miracle product, then, is probably dish soap and a washing machine. So, that settles it. I’m holding the book club meeting in the laundry room. I’ll boldly serve red wine and Gatorade.
Your Turn: What is your favorite hack for removing stains? Or: Do you belong to a book club? If so, what are you reading? If not, what are you reading on your own?