Fixin' Leaks and Leeks

Burrowed deep beneath the fields and pastures of Pennsylvania, the Election Groundhog finally emerged and declared that winter is over. It has been one heck of a grueling week, and it feels like it’s over, but it might not be. The Lawsuit Groundhog is very angry with the Election Groundhog, which means that the Snow Miser and the Heat Miser will battle it out with dueling musical numbers, thunderbolts, and freezing rain. But don’t worry. I’ve been training like a Titan Games contestant, specializing in distracting myself at home. I’ve got your back. Here are at least three things I did during Election Groundhog week. I might need to just repeat them until I’m sure that the Lawsuit Groundhog is thoroughly exhausted and bankrupt. Here they are:

–Apple Staring “Obstacle Course.”

If you stare at a basket of apples long enough, they will levitate, and that’s when the fun really begins. You can imagine that they then have to run an obstacle course through the cat’s legs, up the walls, over Nate’s head, and then land in the puddle that the refrigerator with bladder issues has left on the floor. (They’ll do it if you promise that you’ll take them to the zoo one day.) Then, you can command them to juggle. This distraction can keep you from many unpleasant things like cleaning up refrigerator pee and rubbing thyroid medicine in the cat’s ears.

–Winterize the fall décor. Drape scarves and jackets around the little displays of fall pumpkins in your house. Create fun names for them like Princess Pumpkinhead and Spicé Toffee Apple. Then, make up a fairy tale story about them, like this one:

Once upon a time, Princess Pumpkinhead, draped in woolen scarves, traipsed across the dining room table. Spicé Toffee Apple couldn’t take his eyes off her—falling madly in love, but then, Princess Pumpkinhead took a tumble from the table and turned into a carriage. She was whisked away by a missing sock so that they could attend a masquerade ball. When she returned, late the next day, Princess Pumpkinhead reeked of cheap booze and fried pickles. The end.

–Create a Poem from the Casino Ad that Runs Non-Stop During Covid.

Unexpected, insightful poems spring to life from the words and texts around us. Just identify a spoken or written text that you like and cross out any words you think you don’t need in order to create your poem. For this distraction, memorize a casino advertisement you’ve heard. Then, cross out most of the words to form your poem. Feel free to be highly selective. Example:

Original Casino Advertisement:

(Sexy Radio Voice): Together, we’ll flatten the curve, Washington state. Play and relax at Super Fun Casino. We’ve got your back. Slot machines? No problem. We wipe them down and place hand sanitizer at every craps table. Enjoy sumptuous meals in our five-star restaurants. Have a seat at our spacious, socially distanced bar. Win big. Take chances—lots of chances—safely. Yeah.

Resulting Poem: “Casino Pandemic”

Together, play.

Wipe, slot.

Hand sanitizer.

Sumptuous. Craps.

Chances.

In any case, these three things took up a lot of time, thank goodness. I could probably throw in an additional activity of creating a coloring page of an electoral map that could then be explained to Princess Pumpkinhead, but she would already be soaking in a tub of gin after a raucous night of gambling, her flesh dissolving into alcohol.

Your turn: What is your favorite distraction?