Fixin' Leaks and Leeks

I feel for the pizza in the microwave. I, too, now know what it’s like to suddenly “cook” from the inside out. Like someone’s just yanked me from the freezer, shut me inside a tiny oven, and hit the “high power” button—and I had no say whatsoever.

Oh, sure, I’ve heard it all before: “Watch out for hot flashes! They’ll get you!” But I never had formal lessons—like you do when you’re in middle school when your body is changing, and all your friends pass around a copy of Judy Blume’s Are You There, God? It’s Me, Margaret. Suddenly bra sales spike at the local department store. And you wonder when you’ll go to your first “spin-the-bottle” party.

Flash-forward to mid-life, and bra shopping has lost its spark. What’s next? The mystery and wonder of the menopausal woman, from what I’ve experienced, is anecdotal. You see women on television sitcoms fanning themselves, perhaps panting, and removing their sweaters. You hear words like, “night sweats” and can’t imagine that you’ll end up drowning the sheep you count at night.

But the hot flashes are real. I’m finally getting them, and everyone’s telling me, “Have you heard of soy?” or “Get yourself some estrogen!” My doctor, bless her heart, sent me home with basically a grocery list of remedies: St. John’s Wort, primrose something or other—and I’m sure they work. But I’m tired. I don’t feel like hitting up all the specialty stores, looking for herbal cocktails. I want to know what I can do, now. With the things that are already in my house.

The National Library of Medicine (fortunately?) has an article called “A Review of Effective Herbal Medicines in Controlling Menopausal Symptoms.” It reads like a jacked-up spice drawer. I’ve placed question marks near the items I have no idea about + helpful information about whether or not I might have these things on hand and whatnot:

• Sage herb (Salvia officinalis)—Which I might have on hand—just sage anyway.
• Lemon balm (Melissa officinalis)—Maybe I have it? I’ll have to ask Melissa, I guess.
• Valerina officinalis—Valerina? I hardly knew her!
• Black cohosh (Cimicifuga racemosa)—???
• Fenugreek (Trigonella foenum-graecum)—This sounds like something I should have, but I don’t think I do.
• Black cumin (Nigella sativa)—I do have cumin, but not this variety.
• Vitex (Vitex agnus-castus)—???
• Fennel (Foeniculum vulgare)—Sounds like something I should have in my kitchen, but I don’t.
• Evening primrose (Oenothera biennis)—Nope, don’t have it.
• Ginkgo biloba—This gives me headaches—can’t take it.
• Alfalfa (Medicago sativa)—Don’t have it on hand today, but I had plenty of it in the ‘80s, on sandwiches, I think.
• Hypericum perforatum—???
• Panax ginseng—???
• Pimpinella anisum—WHAT???
• Licorice (Glycyrrhiza glabra)—Something I think I should have at home, but I don’t.
• Passiflora incarnata—???
• Red clover (Trifolium pratense)—Never heard of it.
• Glycine soja—???

So, I need to dig deeper into the recesses of the internet with more probing questions like this: What can I do NOW about a hot flash? The National Institute on Aging has apparently teamed up with the National Park Service, because the first rule of advice is to always dress in layers. Menopause is marathon, not a sprint, apparently. You’re also supposed to avoid alcohol and spicy foods, but I can’t help it if I like Valentina hot sauce on my pizza while I chug a beer.

Also, hypnotherapy is recommended. It’s not like I keep a hypnotherapist in the refrigerator, but out of curiosity, I found this YouTube video. It includes hypnotherapy for BOTH anxiety and hot flashes, but unfortunately, I got three hot flashes while watching. Thank goodness I was dressed in layers!

Of course, you could always keep a portable fan on hand or an ice pack that’s conveniently placed inside your pants or bra, but I thought these things were only for visiting Disney theme parks. Guess not anymore.

Finally, I came across something I really, really could do, right now. I could make a piping hot cup of chamomile tea. Something called phytoestrogen is found naturally in chamomile and is supposed to replace the deficient estrogen in your body, thus decreasing hot flashes.

So, I boiled myself a cup of tea, dunked a chamomile tea bag inside, and sipped. Results are inconclusive at the moment, but for now, I feel kind of cool—and level-headed? This is new for me. Oh, now wait. I got too excited, thus triggering a hot flash, but I’m feeling some cooling effects on the backside of the hot flash, so maybe the chamomile is at war with the “high power” button of my internal microwave. I can only hope.

Meanwhile, if you need me, I’ll be by the fridge, with my head stuck inside.

Your Turn: No, I’m not asking you about your hot flashes, but I will ask this: Do you take herbal supplements in general? Do you like them?