Stumbling into an underground fight club and discovering that I’m up next to climb into the ring with some very angry shark-like people, becomes a real fear, late at night, when the neighbors’ Christmas lights flash against the walls, creating terrifying fight club scenes that play out like shadow puppetry from hell. Since Nate is… Continue reading Weighted Blanket Party

When dust bunnies blow like tumbleweeds through the living room and the refrigerator’s “accidents” dry up in nanoseconds on the floor, the house is dangerously dry, in my opinion. One careless stride through the bedroom while wearing friction-prone yoga pants could send the place up in smoke. To prevent this from happening—and to make the… Continue reading Create Steamy Fall Scents in your Home

Strong hankerings for a shrimp cocktail, normally don’t accompany a brief visit to the master bathroom, but after our shower tile was recently repaired, I can’t stop thinking of cocktail sauce, which is loaded with spicy horseradish. The entire place smells like horseradish. Even Alex says, “Mmmm wasabi! Gimme some sushi.” Whatever chemicals were used… Continue reading Shower Shrimp

Burrowed deep beneath the fields and pastures of Pennsylvania, the Election Groundhog finally emerged and declared that winter is over. It has been one heck of a grueling week, and it feels like it’s over, but it might not be. The Lawsuit Groundhog is very angry with the Election Groundhog, which means that the Snow… Continue reading Cheap and Easy Distractions you can Create at Home

When the salad tongs go missing, and the craft alarm rings, grab a pumpkin, a fistful of candy, and hitch up your Halloween pants. The full moon is rising, Vincent Price is whispering in your ear, and the Fixin’ Leaks and Leeks Team has lost its collective mind. Someone else in the house, besides me,… Continue reading Spooky Craft Alert on All-Hallows Eve

Pumpkin paranoia, which results from the relentless gaze of Halloween gourds that are scattered about the house, is real. At least, it is to me. Just the other day, I was standing at the top of the staircase, and I felt something push me from behind. Luckily, I didn’t fall, but when I turned around,… Continue reading Pumpkin Patch Cookies

Getting smacked in the face with ghosts and other haunted things is something I don’t think anyone needs to pay for. Seeking out expensive haunted tours and potentially life-threatening hayrides, this time of year, is unnecessary. Just go outside and let your imagination run wild. That’s what I do, anyway, and that’s why I’m half… Continue reading DIY Ghost Stories Number Four: The Spooky Woods in the Neighborhood

Ring the doorbell at the Fixin’ Leaks and Leeks household, and you’ll get some kind of menacingly invasive claw thrust at you, with a Milky Way hanging off the end. Do you take the treat? Where has it been? I can only imagine the confusion. If “scared as hell” is not your idea of 2020… Continue reading Craft Alert: The Grassman Trick or Treat Claw

Plagued with a case of aggressive nesting, the local superstore executives have overturned every department where I shop in order to give birth to something I no longer recognize: Aisles 1-15. I used to know where they were and what they contained, but not anymore. Now, I drift about aimlessly, my paper list waving in… Continue reading Pumpkin Soup to the Rescue

High-pitched noises, followed by a smoky plastic-smelling haze, were the ominous signs that the vacuum cleaner was trying to kill the decorative throw rug in the living room. After all of these years, it looked like the vacuum cleaner might win, especially if I instructed Alex (who was vacuuming at the time) to just keep… Continue reading Destructive Devices: The Vacuum Cleaner