For a crippling case of “the willies,” order a frog in a box, and see what happens when it arrives on an otherwise perfectly pleasant Saturday afternoon. The box in question, which I actually ordered on purpose, comes complete with a preserved specimen lurking inside. Since my delicate sanity could instantly go wayward with the… Continue reading Biology Class Redemption Day

Throw down a steady, pulsing drum beat in a crowded street and I’ll take off running after it—like I escaped from the set of a spectacularly low-budget, low-expectations community theater rendition of Fame. “Could you take it down a notch? Maybe not end up in the parade this time?” Nate asks when we arrive at… Continue reading A Dragon Fest Celebration To-Do List: Make “Naked Rosemary Lemonade” and Join a Dragon Boat Racing Team

When the sky hits your eye—and hair and legs—with fiery pellets from the fallout of extremely enthusiastic fireworks displays, that’s “amore,” Fourth of July style in my neighborhood. The action starts off innocently enough around lunchtime with a few blasts, which really makes that boring peanut butter sandwich taste so much more—I don’t know? Dangerous?… Continue reading The Freedom Fountain and Other Things I’ll Make Next Year, July 4th

Between intermittent rounds of fireworks, which add much-needed excitement to the lull between June 30th and July 4th, I can hear the windowsill of my home office complaining. It has just about had it with me because it has not seen anything “interesting” since the cilantro plant incident of August 2017, in which an otherwise… Continue reading The Windowsill Wants a Container Garden

Tall, dry spindly things are poking up out of the lawn and I’m seriously concerned about them. I swear they’re talking smack every time I walk by—saying things like, “You think you can take us down? Really?” And that’s when I just go crazy and start training at water aerobics for 50 minutes a day,… Continue reading Show the Lawn Who’s Boss: Mow it!

An unexpected and horrible side effect of strawberry picking is the urge to clean out the freezer. I’ve fought this urge valiantly over the past year and a half—scoffing at loose frozen vegetables that are rolling about the bottom bin. I just cover them with stray Popsicles, but eventually a tower of frozen pizzas and… Continue reading Strawberry Picking Results in Organized Freezers, Homemade Muffins, and Bramping

My underpants helped me lose a humorous writing contest in a most spectacular way. This year’s Erma Bombeck Writing Contest, which would be judged by THE Dave Barry—for a few lucky finalists—prompted me to write about the time my underpants were destroyed. I laughed while I wrote. I laughed when I read the essay out… Continue reading How To Recycle Underpants

Rare and elusive, the sand dollar—in its whole form and not broken—is so valuable to me that I truly believe I could use at least five of them to pay outright for a hot tub: Me: Hi, there. I’ll take the Hot Bubbles 2020 Executive Model Spa. Sales Clerk: That’s a top-of-the-line pick—nice choice! Now,… Continue reading Sand Dollars, Bleach, and a Hot Tub

A Zombie infestation broke out on my treadmill the other day and I couldn’t be happier. Packs of hungry “Zoms” chased me for 3.3 miles while I completed some kind of mission—and I guess I was successful because I survived, picked up 11 supplies, and stole a CDC file while detouring through a hospital. (I… Continue reading How to Run with Zombies

A fiery, brilliant Pacific Northwest sun came blazing out of the sky and smacked me hard—really hard—on the legs on Mother’s Day weekend. To be fair, I wore sunscreen everywhere else— but my legs—on the weekend that Nate, Alex, and I walked along the Whidbey Island beaches for nearly 5 ½ hours. I figured I… Continue reading One Whale of a Sunburn