Fixin' Leaks and Leeks

Big explosions of strawberries and shortbread—just snapping and screaming with flavor—are the only “incendiary” devices of excitement that I need (and can handle) on the 4th of July. A fantastically delicious pie should just be enough, damn it, but no, the neighbors insist on lighting their own garages on fire while shooting off fireworks at… Continue reading Why? Oh, Why? Strawberry Pie

To prevent an atmospheric, yet unnecessary two-story waterfall from springing to life in our house, Nate and I are left with no other choice but to fix the tub in Alex’s bathroom.  The floor of the tub, much like my threshold for tolerating Zoom meetings, has cracked. No, Alex did not break the tub, which… Continue reading There’s a Hole in the Tub

Many strange and wonderful things are popping up all over the yard, such as empty fireworks droppings, colossal atomic slugs of some kind, other kinds of droppings—and lavender. It’s like a whole new world to discover each day! Of all of the things in the yard though, I’m most pleased with the lavender. (The colossal… Continue reading Lavender Cocktail

Summer just sailed in on little corn trays—swimming in rivers of caramel and coronavirus Phase 2 indiscretions. (I forgot my face mask once, and I touched my nose at least 20 times.) Here’s how everything went down: I opened a kitchen drawer and found my yellow plastic corn trays and realized that I just don’t… Continue reading Corn Trays and Bananas

On the Fixin’ Leaks and Leeks blog, I have challenged Betty Crocker to throw downs and made unsubstantiated claims about the plants on my windowsill. Currently, I believe they’ve hacked into our bank account and are plotting to move to Bermuda. I’ve heard whispering—and have found search histories on my computer.  I promise to write… Continue reading A Pledge

The Places We Haunt is NOT about a possessed Bedazzler that shoots rhinestones at people at night when they are alone and asleep in their houses. I really wish I had written that story, but I’ll save it for a sequel maybe. Instead, I’m pleased to announce that Potter’s Grove Press has accepted this version… Continue reading The Places We Haunt: My First Book of Fiction!

Starfish stalkers beware: The sea stars are sick of us. They think it’s creepy when we stick our faces out over the water and stare at them. In fact, rare sea star recordings, which were later translated by a team of marine linguists—and then buried in my backyard and discovered by me—reveal that we are… Continue reading Socially-Distancing Starfish

Used-sofa purchases should always include a thorough interrogation of the seller, with no-nonsense, cut-to-the-chase questions like the following:  How dangerous is this thing? Has it ever attempted to eat people? If so, how many?  That’s the most important lesson I learned anyway, from watching Killer Sofa. Yes, Killer Sofa is an actual film from New… Continue reading Nachos and a Killer Sofa

The delicately wired alarm system at the Fixin’ Leaks and Leeks Headquarters is not always set on “craft mode.” Sometimes it just goes haywire when there are updates about The Virus or Killer Hornets. Or, sometimes it interferes with the smoke detector system in the house, which goes off at 4:30 a.m. That happened last… Continue reading Craft Alert: Pom Poms

In a land where gummy bears roam free, there’s a terrible rumor that sometimes, out of nowhere, a giant hand crashes through the sky and carries the yummy peaceful creatures off to terrifying deaths.  That’s why, when you reach into a bag of gummy bears, they all kind of stick together. Their strategy is to… Continue reading Gummy Bear Popsicles