SeaTac the family cat has superpowers that could be profitable someday: 1) He is able to meow to the tune of Journey’s “Wheel in the Sky,” which could make him a winner on the America’s Got Talent show, and 2) He can sit on just about any computer keyboard in the house and make the screen disappear. However, his best superpower is his ability to apply just the right amount of pressure to sore shoulders. I’m not kidding. One of the best massages I’ve ever received in my life has been from the cat. I was stretched out on the couch one day and the cat jumped up onto the armrest behind me and started massaging my neck and shoulders with his strong paws. He has only massaged my back once, but I think he should do it more often—and maybe expand his services to offering cat facials.
Now, cat facials don’t actually exist, that I’m aware of. It’s a spa treatment I mentioned in my last blog post, titled “Gambling and Other Outside-of-the-Box Itineraries for Out-of-Town Guests.” And, I know what you’re thinking: What about the sharp claws? SeaTac is our nearly 20-pound, fur-shedding, bundle of fun rescue cat, whose previous owners declawed him. Somehow, SeaTac escaped from his previous owners’ house and ended up at the Humane Society—probably because, without claws, he couldn’t defend himself and struggled to survive. (For more information about why cats need their claws, here’s an article from the Humane Society.) So, SeaTac stays safely indoors with us. In the past, I did have cats that had claws and when they gave “kitty massages,” they didn’t extend their claws very much, so the massage was still effective. In other words, cats with claws can still deliver a very relaxing and satisfying experience.
Getting SeaTac to perform a facial, though, has been a bit of a problem. If he could perform this service, he would be doing a lot of good. Facials can be beneficial. According to the Associated Skin Care Professionals (ASCP) website, facials help rejuvenate the skin, manage skin problems like acne, and contribute to relaxation.
But what can I expect the cat to do during a typical facial? Facials often begin with some sort of skin cleansing. For SeaTac, this service comes naturally. There is no face in this house that SeaTac hasn’t licked. Nate, Alex, and I can testify that SeaTac provides a loving touch that may carry a Fancy Feast odor at times—and perhaps is a little creepy—but all dirt and sweat from the pores are efficiently removed. He can also provide facial massage, but he cannot perform the following services, which may also be a part of a facial treatment: steaming, extractions, and treatment masks. Even so, he could charge anywhere from $50-hundreds of dollars, according to the answers provided by several Board Certified doctors and medical professionals on this Realself website.
SeaTac, in theory, could make enough money to finance his own way through Cat College and earn his certificate in Feline Medical Transcription, which is a dream he’s had since way back when. I’d be in the first row cheering as he meandered aimlessly across the graduation stage.
To get him started, I decided to lie down, face up on the couch, where he was lounging.
“Hey, Nate,” I said. “Could you maybe place his paws on my face?”
“He has them tucked under his body—I’ll try. . . . They’re not budging.”
“Yeah, he looks kind of confused, too.”
“And. . . he’s getting up. He’s not staying.”
When SeaTac moved to the floor, I lowered myself down in front of him, with my face right under his. He looked indignant before sauntering off. My new plan then, is to just develop a kind of searchlight I can throw into the sky. This searchlight would let people know when SeaTac is in the mood to give massages. It would function much like the Bat Signal—except the light would make the shape of a cat and maybe the following message would flash: “SeaTac is seeing clients now.” There should also be another option for a message that reads: “Oops! Sorry! I was wrong. Come back at 4:01 a.m., which is when SeaTac is more active.”
Mostly though, SeaTac demands massages from us and if, at any time, we need to give our hands a rest, he throws us a look that says, “I didn’t tell you to stop.”
So, if I want a facial/massage I still have to go to a spa. I can’t depend on the family cat, who just doesn’t realize his full potential—and doesn’t care.
“I have some rally bad news,” I finally told Nate.
“You’re out of snack mix and I need to go to the store?”
“No—worse. I just . . . I just don’t think SeaTac wants to give regularly scheduled massages for pay.”
“I’m pretty sure he doesn’t.”
“So, I’m off to get a facial—for research purposes, of course.”
Your Turn: Do you own a pet? What’s your favorite way to spend time with your pet? Or, does your pet have a talent?