The doors of the house have flung open wide for the first time in years, and a gust of wind has sent me spinning into public spheres, where people can see me awkwardly text—and I sense they are staring at me. (Nate says they are. He has seen them.) And now, at work, I am acutely aware that, when I text, I look like a cat, reaching a paw out to test a puddle of molasses, to see if it wants to step in it, and when it does, it takes FOREVER, and it can’t find the GIF button. Also, it only knows one or two GIFs. (My favorite is Kristin Wiig—so excited—I use it for everything—birthdays, general greetings, confirming dentist appointments, my answer to “what do you want me to pick up at the store?” etc.)
I’ve had a cell phone since 2016. You’d think I’d have learned to text with my thumbs like a real person by now, but I’ve never seen the need, until just recently, when I stunned co-workers in the lunchroom by using my pointy finger on my right hand to try to type in a search on the internet with my phone. When I sensed that people had stopped chewing, I realized I should probably buckle down and learn to text, so I asked Nate to help me.
Here’s what I learned:
–Pull your elbows in close to your side while you’re holding your phone. Ladies, you may feel a gentle squeeze on your breasts, resulting from your elbows pushing in. Don’t be alarmed.
–Just use your thumbs to start typing the keys. I’m still not really fast at it, but autocorrect kicked and was doing pretty good job—until I tried to type “thumbs.” Autocorrect changed it to “rhumba,” thus resulting in the following text to Nate: “Hey! S’up! Using my rhumba to text u (insert Kristin Wiig so excited GIF here).”
–Also, there’s this older video here called “How to Type Faster on Your iPhone,” which is hilarious, but still somewhat informative. It suggests typing in “landscape” mode because it offers a bigger screen for typing, but I hate landscape mode. It confuses me. When my phone is accidentally in landscape mode, I shake it like an Etch-A-Sketch to try to get it to clear and go upright. Sometimes yelling, “Stand up!” helps. Another tip from this video is to know “shortcut keys,” but they don’t go into what they are—so I will have to find another video for that. One good tip from the video: Stop looking at the keys to type. Just look at screen and think about what you want to type. I’ll have to try that. Another good tip from this informative, yet hilarious segment: If you type the wrong key, slide to the correct key. The letter isn’t entered until you release your finger. However, I just tried that now.
Here’s what I wanted to type: “I’m practicing.” However, I hit “pe” instead of “pr,” so I tried to slide to the ride to hit the “r,” but I ended up with this: “I’m peee.” As you can see, I didn’t even have a chance to insert a Kristin Wiig “so excited” GIF. I will definitely have to keep practicing—and perhaps learn to stop texting embarrassing secrets about my bladder.
In other news: I have a story out—it’s a fun, horror, b-grade story about monster trucks, dirt, and mayhem. You can read it on the Impractical Things Magazine website: “Dirt Storm.”
Your Turn: Do you text? How long did it take you to learn to text “fast?”