Grab a wacky tie that’s festooned with a dizzying array of rubber ducks and beer steins—and throw it in the trash! What the father-figures in your life really need is a painkiller. At least, that’s what Nate, the featured father of the Fixin’ Leaks and Leeks Team, says he wants for Father’s Day—and he has a great recipe for it, which I’m sharing below.
But first, let’s examine why Nate would need a painkiller on Father’s Day—or any other day at the Fixin’ Leaks and Leeks Headquarters. It’s because he needs to kill the pain from doing so much to make our lives safe and fire-proof. For instance, this is what he has planned this weekend—that I know of:
–Keeping the cat lubricated. What this means is that the cat needs special thyroid medicine, but he can only take it in ointment form—in the ears. Nate dons his gloves and gently rubs the medicine into the cat’s ears while whispering things like, “I know. I know. You hate this, and so do I. I really do.”
–Taking down a section of the fence so that the hot tub movers can move the hot tub in.
SAY WHAT?!!! Yes! You read that correctly. We are getting the long-coveted hot tub—and some landscaping and decking—but it’s all coming piece by piece, depending on which shipping containers didn’t fall overboard, etc., so I’ll post pictures in August by the earliest—December by the latest?
–Moving cars around the driveway. This takes special skill—and also sensible, yet fashionable flannel pajama bottoms, a T-shirt, and fuzzy slippers. You need to be able to maneuver carefully around trash cans, boats, and scooters and bikes left on the sidewalk. It doesn’t hurt to get an enhanced truck driving license which Nate may have. I suspect he has lots of secrets, which he keeps inside, swallowing them down with a few nips of rum and pineapple juice.
–Practicing the hustle. It’s Nate’s least favorite dance, but I really like it, and the Arthur Murray Studio has decided we fit the demographic that should really, really, really learn this dance and shake it at the casinos. Nate is a good sport.
–Antiquing with me—if there is time. We typically don’t go antiquing. We’ve never gone antiquing, but Nate expressed an interest in tiki-inspired drinkware, so I dragged him to every antique store in town until we were sick. We found two tiki-inspired glasses. One was $7, and the other was $10, and we did not understand why because they were a matching pair. One was just slightly taller than the other. However, we left with those glasses and haunting images of creepy dolls that will not leave our thoughts—though Nate swears that painkillers help.
–Miscellaneous disaster-prevention preparedness. I have no idea what this might involve, but there are stretches during the day when Nate exits the house, walks the perimeter, and does stuff. I’m not sure if he’s finding spare wires sticking out of the grass in the yard or climbing onto the roof or what, but I’m sure glad he does whatever it is he’s been doing because the Fixin’ Leaks and Leeks Headquarters are in tip-top shape, and the cat is in good, running condition.
So, here’s the recipe: Nate’s Painkiller:
–1 ounce of orange juice
–1 ounce of cream of coconut
–4 ounces of pineapple juice
–1-3 ounces of rum (“depending on the amount of pain you’re trying to kill”)
–Ground nutmeg for garnish
Fill a shaker/tumbler with a thin layer of ice. Pour in the liquid ingredients. Add enough ice to make 12 ounces total. Cover the lid of the shaker/tumbler and shake while singing 1-2 verses of “Shake, Shake, Shake Señora.” (Shaking with the ice helps mix in the cream of coconut.) Serve in a tiki-themed glass, sprinkle the ground nutmeg on top, and tell everyone you’re off duty, until around 8:30 p.m., which is when the next round of cat lubrication takes place.
Your Turn: What’s your favorite way to relax at the end of the day?