Fixin' Leaks and Leeks

The killer korn maze is no place to look for a cheap thrill. Sure, it might be oozing with horror-filled action, but it’ll cost you at least a week’s worth of groceries. Instead, there’s a much cheaper option, and you’ve found it! The Fixin’ Leaks and Leeks Team has a tradition of making up ghost stories this time of year—for free. And then, we post them on this blog, and we become the characters in the story. However, the things that happen in the story, while they might have a loose basis in reality, did not actually occur in real life. So we are safe, and no members of the Team have been harmed, though our fictional selves are deeply damaged, disturbed, and angry that they have to do this each year. Our fictional selves don’t have a say in the matter, though, especially not fictional Nate. And fictional Cecilia can’t understand why fictional Nate would be so upset because every year, fictional Nate really steps up his game.

In any case, enjoy the story!

The Haunted Furnace Inspector Pays a Visit

A steamy mist fills the air inside the Fixin’ Leaks and Leeks Headquarters. It’s so thick, Cecilia can feel it growing on her skin—as if it had legs—and could crawl around and hide in the carpet and jump-scare the family by popping up and screaming, “Got you!”

Cecilia: Ugh! It’s humid in here again!

Nate: I’ve checked the humidity levels. They’re around 50%, which can be normal for a house.

Cecilia: But it’s not normal for OUR house! My hair is all frizzy, the sheets smell like wild animals, and paint is peeling away from the walls.

Nate: Not one of those things is actually happening—except for the frizzy hair.

Cecilia: The frizzy hair is just the forewarning. It all starts with frizzy hair. Call someone.

Nate spends hours on the phone with all kinds of technicians and specialists who will charge $5,000 just to see the air conditioning unit. He finally finds one who will come to the house for a fraction of that price, but here’s the catch: only Alex will be home for the appointment, but he agrees to let him in.

Cecilia and Nate go to work, and Cecilia receives a disturbing call.

Nate: I’ve got to pick you up. We have to go get Alex. The furnace guy is out of control.

Cecilia: I thought he only needed to clear away some debris from the air conditioning unit.

Nate: Apparently, according to Alex, he’s doing a lot more and demanding he pay up.

Cecilia: And you gave Alex a blank check to pay the guy?

Nate: Yes!

Cecilia: Oh, FFS! Alex is in real danger….

Nate: …of overpaying!!!

Cecilia and Nate speed back to the Headquarters and find the Furnace Inspector lurking near the doorway.

Alex: Mom! Dad! Help! He’s threatening to turn off our furnace—and he’s tied a tag around it that says, “Official. Do not remove under threat of penalty.”

Cecilia: No! No! No!

Furnace Inspector: Oh, yes. You see, the humidity in your house is normal, but your furnace is leaking gas, and you will die.

Nate: Wouldn’t we all be dead by now? Wouldn’t you have caused a spark, just by walking around?

The Furnace Inspector suddenly doubles in size, growing as high as the ceiling, with massive wings and horns that take out the staircase. Plaster falls from above, and the ground shakes.

Furnace Inspector: DON’T QUESTION MY EXPERTISE!! YOU WILL DIE!!! THIS FURNACE WILL KILL YOU ALL.

Nate: Why are you inspecting the furnace? We asked about the air conditioning.

Furnace Inspector: You foolish mortal! I go above and beyond! Repairs will cost $16,000!

Alex: Dad! We can’t remove the tag on the furnace. It looks official and everything.

Nate, wanting to see the tag for himself, goes into the attic and crawls around to get a better look. He discovers the tag and decides it does look pretty official. So he places a call to one of the county building inspector workers, who says the tag means nothing. Nate can remove it himself. Nate finds Cecilia’s crafting nooks, which are organized and supplied with a pair of scissors, returns to the attic, and snips the tag. But when the tag falls off, the house rattles and shakes violently.

Furnace Inspector: WHO SNIPPED THE OFFICIAL FURNACE TAG? SOMEONE REMOVED IT!

 Cecilia, turning to Alex: Run! Dad and I will handle this. You’re young. You’re in the physics club. You play the electric guitar. You must live.

Alex: No! I can’t leave you!

Cecilia: Please, Alex! Go! Dad and I will handle it! Run! Make us proud as a physicist.

Alex hugs his mother goodbye. Then he uses both hands to flick off the Furnace Inspector as he drives away.

Nate: Okay, the Furnace Inspector is definitely out of control. We need a plan.

Cecilia: Did he actually turn the furnace off as well?

Nate: Yes. But here’s what we can do. The air conditioning unit still works. We can freeze him out.

Cecilia: He’s massive, though! Do you think the freezing will work to shrink him down in size?

Nate: Yes. Yes I do. I bet my life on it.

Cecilia: Well then do it, Nate! Unleash the shrinkage!

Nate: I will, but once he’s a tiny speck, I need for you to go to the furnace, light the pilot light, and get it started again.

Cecilia: So, then—we smoke him!

Nate: You got it!

Nate cranks up the air conditioning unit, which whirs into action with a high-pitched scream. The humidity goes down somewhat, but Cecilia’s hair is still quite frizzy.

Cecilia: Hold on! I think I see him reducing in size!

Furnace Inspector: What’s happening? What are you doing? Noooooooo!

The Furnace Inspector is now the size of a speck, and Cecilia runs upstairs to start the furnace, but the Inspector is stubborn. He says he has magical ways beyond the grave to wreak havoc.

Nate distracts him by throwing a broom handle down, everywhere he steps—so he gets nowhere fast. The sound of the furnace kicking in, signals that Cecilia has been successful.

Nate: Okay, we may have to wait a little bit, but eventually, the furnace will be hot enough that we can just fling him into it, and he’ll be gone, dust.

Cecilia: Oh, Nate! Do you feel it? It’s getting really hot in here.

Nate: Well, I guess this is the part of the story where I’m going to have to rip my shirt off.

Cecilia: Yes. Yes, it is.

Nate rips his shirt off and glistens as Cecilia picks up the tiny Inspector in her hand. Nate picks Cecilia up and carries her to the attic, where she throws the evil technician into the furnace. Then, Nate and Cecilia embrace, as the steam in the air burns. Together, they tear up the “do not remove tag” and run through the house, tossing it like confetti. The End.

Your Turn: Do you have any scary home-repair stories?