Fixin' Leaks and Leeks

Raging oceanic waters, teeming with coked-up sharks, are a sci-fi creator’s fever dream—I thought. But then Nate sent me this article: “Sharks in Brazil Test Positive for Cocaine, Say Scientists.”

About thirteen sharks, off the city of Rio de Janeiro tested positive for cocaine, according to the article. And, upon further research, I discovered a low, low-budget movie called Cocaine Shark that surfaced in 2023. In the interest of science, I decided to watch this film—but not without also sharing a bottle of Snoop Dogg 19 Crimes Cali Red Wine Blend with Nate and Alex. Spoiler alert: the wine stole the show.

Synopsis: Basically, a drug lord, with very bad acting skills, has created a powerful new stimulant. The main characters surrounding the drug lord also have poor acting skills. Some of them try out accents, not very well. The accents kind of slide into one another: British, Texan, Canadian, and perhaps Irish. It’s a lot. Also, one of the main characters is hard to keep track of because he starts out with an immense beard. Then, he does not have this beard for a while, and then he has miraculously grown the beard again, so it’s hard to recognize him. Is it the same actor? Who knows? In any case, when anyone takes the drug, they get a “shark high,” which makes them believe they are on a feeding frenzy. However, there are signs and side effects that lead them to realize that they might not be hallucinating after all.

Here are the side effects an astute viewer might observe. Caution: These side effects may also align with the experience of watching this film:

–Trippin’

–Flashbacks

–Bloating

–An intense desire to rip someone’s head off.

Surprisingly, the sharks in the movie are the least satisfying part. At one point, Nate, Alex, and I thought we were viewing a mischievous-looking lobster in the drug lord’s fish tank. We couldn’t understand why the “footage” in the film kept cutting to this lobster. Then, at the very end, we realized it was a hammerhead-lobster combination that somehow grew to enormous, threatening, menacing scale when it came out of the water, with its jaws snapping. But it wasn’t scary. It looked like it was about to…tap dance? I kind of wish it would have.

Oh, there were other sharks. One appeared to be made of papier mâché, walked on land, and was wearing a business suit. And I think that was it—they just kept showing that shark and the lobster-hammerhead over and over again, unless I missed something. I might have with all the flashbacks, international accents, and facial hair surprises. It’s like I was swept up in an undertow of confusion, scraping my head against a coral reef of leitmotifs.

And then…the movie just ended.

Do I hate the fact that I watched this film? No. It was fun to count the flashbacks and hang on to the tail end to see if they’d show a better shark.

And Snoop Dogg’s 19 Crimes Cali Red Wine Blend saved the day. It has hints of fruit and smokiness. It most likely tasted a LOT better than the “wine” the bearded character and the drug lord’s main squeeze enjoyed in the movie. And you can play a fun game throughout the film: Take a drink every time there is a flashback. Seriously, there are flashbacks within flashbacks.

Or, you can boost your viewing experience in the following ways:

–Play a rousing sea shanty in the background

–Add strobe lights

–Play B-52’s “Rock Lobster” on repeat

–Fill a kiddie pool with shrimp dip and crackers

–Watch the movie while riding jet skis

–Place wacky waving inflatable figures in a dinghy and call for help

–Launch rescue flares every time that business shark appears

Your Turn: What’s your favorite bad movie?