This photo shows a giant blue pillow with big googly eyes and a chef's knife for a mouth. It's placed on a bed with a blue-and-white-striped duvet.

Murder in the Bedroom

This photo shows a giant blue pillow with big googly eyes and a chef's knife for a mouth. It's placed on a bed with a blue-and-white-striped duvet.

A murderous mattress is trying to off me, so it can have my husband. I’m absolutely sure of this. To be fair, the old mattress was trying to kill both of us, so I guess this is an improvement.

With a Princess-and-the-Pea-can-do attitude, Nate and I have almost blown through two mattresses in the past month. The first one was specifically for back sleepers (me) and was soft and cushy. New mattresses are always a shock, but I sort of kind of liked this one. Nate wanted to burn it alive.

The store said we could use our credit toward a new mattress, but then, that was it. No more. No more mattress deliveries. Nate needed a firmer mattress, so we picked one out that was not as soft as the first one, but not has hard as the memory-foam-of-steel version we slept on for over ten years—and that memorized our body shapes so well that we sunk into dents of mutilated versions of ourselves.

So, this new mattress…Nate loves it. The mattress loves him, curling into him, snuggling him deep into the night. But this new mattress will break me. Literally. If I lie on my back, it “supports” my legs so ramrod straight that my knees are locked in place—and they hurt. Also, it gives me just a bit of “banana back,” meaning there’s a space at my lower back that is not supported. And that’s unacceptable. Just bananas, I say!

Nate spoke of a mythic “mattress topper” that would floof out all the spaces, making everything Goldilocks-just-right. And yes, the mattress topper is an improvement. Much softer, but the mattress still wants to break me at the knees.

“Pillows,” Nate said. I was shocked. “Let’s get more throw pillows” said no man, ever. But what the heck? Girly pillow shopping time? I’m in!

Nate whisked me away to a home goods store, filled with frou frou Valentine’s Day stuff—all pink and frilly. For just $30, we could get not one, but two, log-shaped magenta-colored velour pillows with “nipple” buttons on the round edges. I loved them! But would my knees?

Sort of. I propped one under my knees, and it was okay. I do have to adjust it during the middle of the night, but I might actually live. Placing it between my legs and sleeping on my side would seem to be a logical thing to do as well, but this pillow has a devious, murderous side when used in that manner. Let’s just say it rivals a Thigh Master in ways no sleeping person wants to discover.

So, I’m getting used to the new mattress, and the pink plushy pillows are such a delight. I really think they’re on my side, for the most part. If nothing else, we can gang up on the mattress and give it a good beating—something for the foam to really remember.

Your Turn: How do you prepare for a good night’s sleep?

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Published by ckennedy

Author of the DIY blog: Fixin' Leaks and Leeks. Paper/Rock Writing Consultation, Sole Proprietor.

41 thoughts on “Murder in the Bedroom”

    1. Nate was telling me that in Germany, people often have one bed frame and two mattresses, and I was like: How come we can’t do that? And I’m guessing it’s because the two mattresses are twin-sized, and my husband is too tall.

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  5. I’m one of the people that could fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow! I will do my nightly routine and after I was my face and brush my teeth. I go to lay my head on the pillow and sneak off into dream world!

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  6. We had a memory foam mattress that definitely had too many memories so we junked it last year and got a new one. Then it was adjustment time. Ugh. I’m a side sleeper and I use a knee pillow to stop my back from aching but I have to read to try to become very tired before I can sleep. The older you get, the more problematic sleeping can become, so I hope the topper solves the issue for you.

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  7. Being a back sleeper I have enjoyed medium firm mattresses with a good, rich, comfortable, ‘expensive’ mattress topper – that have been progressively getting even more expensive as the years go by. But, sleep is a powerful reason to be ‘just right’… My man K, a predominant side sleeper also enjoys this mode of sleeping. Comfort, comfort, comfort… says me!

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  8. 10 years ago my husband and I went to the foam factory and had our mattress built. It’s 12 inches of firm foam topped with 3 inches of memory foam. We are amazed at how well it has held up. There are still no permanent indentations. Earlier this month we added a dual control heated mattress pad. since he is always cold and I, being post-menopausal, am always hot. That was the perfect solution!

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  11. I can relate because it can be so tough to change mattresses and not all memory foam is the same. The toppers are great, but not all of those are the same either. Glad the pillows are helping and this was a fun read with your clever word play!
    On a side note, I dog sat last year for my sister and I had Amazon deliver a memory foam topper for me to use on her guest bed. She was like – huh? well, it was such a good call because I was there for ten days and slept great because of the topper

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      1. it was worth it for ten days – and I would have been on the couch had it not been delivered. Because the old bed was a “spring” bed – sure a pillow top and nice back in the day – but yikes – I really did not sleep well the last time I visited her. And guess what, the size they delivered was too big – so it slipped and moved around a little during my stay (not bad) but because it did not fit, I ended up giving to my brother for his guest bed. he said it was so needed – so it all worked out.
        Hope your new bed and pillows give you lots of good sleep

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  13. I had a chuckle at this.
    My husband sleeps with the same feather pillow he used to sleep as a child , and I mean the very same pillow( sooooo not hygienic)and on the left side of the bed( absolutely non negotiable)
    I changed mine a few times andI don’t really mind. I sleep everywhere and on whatever mattress ( preferably hard) and with whatever pillow .

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