Fixin' Leaks and Leeks

A murderous mattress is trying to off me, so it can have my husband. I’m absolutely sure of this. To be fair, the old mattress was trying to kill both of us, so I guess this is an improvement.

With a Princess-and-the-Pea-can-do attitude, Nate and I have almost blown through two mattresses in the past month. The first one was specifically for back sleepers (me) and was soft and cushy. New mattresses are always a shock, but I sort of kind of liked this one. Nate wanted to burn it alive.

The store said we could use our credit toward a new mattress, but then, that was it. No more. No more mattress deliveries. Nate needed a firmer mattress, so we picked one out that was not as soft as the first one, but not has hard as the memory-foam-of-steel version we slept on for over ten years—and that memorized our body shapes so well that we sunk into dents of mutilated versions of ourselves.

So, this new mattress…Nate loves it. The mattress loves him, curling into him, snuggling him deep into the night. But this new mattress will break me. Literally. If I lie on my back, it “supports” my legs so ramrod straight that my knees are locked in place—and they hurt. Also, it gives me just a bit of “banana back,” meaning there’s a space at my lower back that is not supported. And that’s unacceptable. Just bananas, I say!

Nate spoke of a mythic “mattress topper” that would floof out all the spaces, making everything Goldilocks-just-right. And yes, the mattress topper is an improvement. Much softer, but the mattress still wants to break me at the knees.

“Pillows,” Nate said. I was shocked. “Let’s get more throw pillows” said no man, ever. But what the heck? Girly pillow shopping time? I’m in!

Nate whisked me away to a home goods store, filled with frou frou Valentine’s Day stuff—all pink and frilly. For just $30, we could get not one, but two, log-shaped magenta-colored velour pillows with “nipple” buttons on the round edges. I loved them! But would my knees?

Sort of. I propped one under my knees, and it was okay. I do have to adjust it during the middle of the night, but I might actually live. Placing it between my legs and sleeping on my side would seem to be a logical thing to do as well, but this pillow has a devious, murderous side when used in that manner. Let’s just say it rivals a Thigh Master in ways no sleeping person wants to discover.

So, I’m getting used to the new mattress, and the pink plushy pillows are such a delight. I really think they’re on my side, for the most part. If nothing else, we can gang up on the mattress and give it a good beating—something for the foam to really remember.

Your Turn: How do you prepare for a good night’s sleep?