Fixin' Leaks and Leeks

I’m done forking around. I need to find out…what it’s like to eat with chopsticks. It has taken me a long, long time, but I’m finally learning. And it’s not like no one has ever tried to show me before.

Back in the ‘80s, when I was growing up, my dad went to Japan a lot for business trips and learned how to eat with them on the fly—and he returned with chopsticks, all kinds of cool stuff—and trips to local Japanese restaurants in town to try new foods. I loved it! But I just couldn’t get the hang of the chopsticks. Fortunately, there was usually a random fork on the table that I could use. Was it clean? Didn’t know. Didn’t care. That was my fork. Everyone else could fork off.

(Actually, now that I think about it, I’m not sure I hold a fork or a knife properly when I eat—or a spoon for that matter. It would explain a lot of things, for instance, those missing peas I thought were on my plate but that somehow ended up under my chair all these years. Hmmm.)

These days, random forks are not usually found on the tables in the Asian restaurants Nate, Alex, and I visit. But does that stop me from embarrassing two out of three members of the Fixin’ Leaks and Leeks Team by asking for one in as soft a voice possible? No. Do I hate myself for it? Kind of, but I’m…so hungry. I won’t have the patience to learn in front of an audience of people who actually know how to use chopsticks + being hungry makes me jittery.

What’s a sushi, ramen-loving, dumpling-devouring gal to do?

• Boil some noodles in the kitchen on a random Thursday afternoon.
• Watch numerous chopstick tutorials and view various illustrations.
• Attempt the impossible.

The best video I found, for me, was this one. I love @yinrun_hello’s video here. Except, I always get stuck at the part where she mentions holding the first chopstick like you’re holding a pen. That seems simple enough, until I realize I’m not holding a pen exactly the same way she is—or maybe anyone else for that matter. Did I learn to hold a pen correctly? Probably not, but I’ll move on anyway.

When she explains that you stick the other chopstick in the “hole.” I totally get that. But then, I look at what I’m doing—and what she’s doing—and I appear to be utterly hopeless. Plus, this hurts my hands. My fingers are bent like something out of a horror film, and my sticks won’t line up. Will I ever be able to pick up a pumpkin or sesame seed like @yinrun_hello? Not with my wonky stick-work. I will, however, manage to poke someone’s eye out—probably my own.

Nonetheless, I’m able to slide pasta between the sticks and manage to get food near my face, so I guess that’s progress? Also, the pasta I’ve made is stuck together, so that kind of helps, but it’s not like it would be in “real life.” Not sure I’ll be able to dip noodles in yummy sauces with chopsticks, but I could dump a bowl of sauce over my noodles with my hands.  Or, thank goodness, there’s usually a big spoon that arrives somewhere along the second course, which I’ll remember to hang onto.

Anyway, this little lesson will be a work in progress, and I will graduate by going to a restaurant and using chopsticks in public—without asking for a fork—or extra napkins or a big ol’ plastic bib with a lobster printed on the front.

I mean, for fork’s sake, it’s about time.

Your Turn: Do you ever eat with chopsticks? How did you learn?