Fixin' Leaks and Leeks

Like falling off a bus, walking sideways with a stretchy band strapped around the ankles is almost second nature to me now.  I feel both activities in the glutes. One just gets me there faster than the other. But that’s not all you can do with a stretchy band or a bus for that matter.

When it comes to physical therapy, I’m a repeat offender. I’m happily skipping along the Monopoly Board of life, doing it all wrong, for years, and then, all of the sudden, bam! I’m tossed from the treadmill and stuck in the corner in “Jail” while everyone else around me shows off how many burpees, chin-ups, and mountain trail runs they can do in thirty minutes—as they’re wearing inflatable dinosaur costumes. Well, no inflatable dinosaur costumes for me, right now. It’s a stretchy band—comes in gray.

In the past, I’ve had runner’s knee (patellofemoral pain syndrome), which I call patella-profiterole. It’s a Latin/French combination meaning pastry knee or “just desserts.” I’ve also had back pain and Achilles tendon pain. I’ve healed nicely from all three, but then I recently got smacked with a double-dose of Achilles tendon agony + runner’s knee again. Lucky me!

But one of the things I love about physical therapy is how much I learn. The first time I had runner’s knee, I was attempting to run a marathon. I learned not to run a marathon. Thirty minutes at my own pace, on a treadmill, is fine with me. Has been for years. So why am I back in jail with stretchy bands for cellmates?

Years ago, I learned to fire up those glutes and quads and then start running, but I guess I slacked off, so I’m re-training those muscles and learning even more. For instance, did you know that you can do at least twenty different exercises with a resistance band? I’m pretty sure you could do hundreds, but AI only found twenty, based on the first YouTube video caption/title it scrubbed when I asked Google the following question: How many known exercises can someone do with a resistance band? The hundreds more that I suspect you could do with a resistance band, maybe aren’t safe, so there’s that.

I’m learning to master five exercises so far. I’ve given them names, but an actual physical therapist might look at you side-eyed if you say them out loud:

• Fire in the Side Butt: This is the one where I’m supposed to strap the resistance band around my ankles and walk sideways from one end of the room to the other and then back again. I can only make it about half-way the second time around because my glutes (on the sides) are burning. I didn’t even know I had these muscles. I will be keeping a fire extinguisher nearby.
• Back it Up & Keep on Truckin’: This exercise is actually called a “Monster Walk.” With the resistance band wrapped around the ankles—and the legs spread hip-distance apart, swing one leg slightly back and to the side—but wide out. Repeat with the other leg as you walk backwards from one side of the room to the other. I feel this a little bit in the side butt as well, but it’s kind of a cool-down from the first exercise, which is a relief.
• One-Legged, Standing “ThighMaster.” Strap the stretchy band around both thighs, stick one foot on a wall or piece of sturdy furniture behind you and stand straight and tall on the other leg. Squeeze your thigh of the lifted leg out and back in. Repeat three times on each side, or until the ghost of Suzanne Somers appears and tells you to “squeeze, squeeze your way to better stability and alignment.”
• Toe Jam: Toss a weight onto a resistance band and pull a tiny piece of it towards you, stretching that piece taut. Then, just place your big toe on that tiny piece and swing your free leg forward, backward, and to the side—without letting the stretchy band fly back towards the weight. It’s a test of endurance, patience, and toe-nacity.
• Double Toe Jam with a Partner: Get down into a squat and have a partner pull a resistance band wide, so that you can put a toe on either side of the band—but here’s the trick: it has to be a tiny, tiny part of the band, and the band has to be held taut—by your toes. Move the knees in and out slightly, like you’re pressing a ThighMaster—or a bus—between your legs. Any time the toes come off the band, you have to start again. It helps to have a partner, so you don’t have to bend over and replace the band. This is a test of skill, strategy, and toe-getherness.

Additionally, I’m learning to fast-walk up an incline to get my alignment and muscles in order, but also, I suspect, to test my ability to tempt fate. Because behind every good incline is a bus aimed for the glutes, and I’m not leaving home without a fire extinguisher—or a helmet.

Your Turn: How do you recover from a setback, such as a cold/illness or injury?