Fixin' Leaks and Leeks

Because that one Hawaiian shirt from Nate’s tropical prints collection in his closet has seen the inside of a tiki bar only once, it was my mission to find a tiki bar while at a conference in Portland, Oregon.

To be fair, we ate at other places, too, so I’m including those restaurants and pictures. I wanted just a taste of what it might be like to live the life of a foodie influencer/content creator, like Janie DeVours or Karissa Dumbacher.

Here’s the verdict: I. Cannot. Hang. I’m still so full. If someone said, “Hey! Let’s do this all over again next weekend,” I’d have to adopt a sports team—maybe even let them take my place, with cameras mounted to their heads.

Here are the places in Portland where Nate and I chowed down:

*Warning: I started to eat before I took pictures, but I tried to hide my bite marks—mostly to no avail.

Lechon (Thursday Dinner)

We arrived at Portland all frazzled and frizzled from taking streets that looked noodles, dumping us back onto the freeway at least twice during rush-hour traffic. We needed drinks and dinner fast. So, we took the public train outside our hotel to some random area of Portland because I can’t read a map. Along the way, we passed Lechon, and Nate said, “Let’s just eat here.” So we did. And we were glad we did.

The staff sat us at the chef’s table, so we tried the chef’s tasting menu.

The scallop ceviche, our first course, was gorgeous. The sauce was bright and tangy, and the scallops were tender and fresh.

My first drink was called “The Stolen Dance” made with rum, banana oleo, mezcal, pineapple, lime, cinnamon—and that beautiful ice block in the center was a purple butterfly pea flower concoction. The drink was sweet with lots of beautiful notes of cinnamon—and I could really taste the pineapple and lime. Very refreshing.

Next, was the beet salad with guava vinaigrette and queso fresco. So light and tasty!

Then came the Nikkei BBQ chicken skewers, which were charred to perfection, but so juicy on the inside. The. Best. Chicken. I’ve. Ever. Eaten. Ever.

For my second drink, I had the Lechon Margarita with tequila, cardamom, lime, cucumber, and a “bonfire salt rim.” This drink was also refreshing with fun notes of cucumber and just a bit of a smoky flavor.

The mushroom chaufa came next. It was dressed with a lemon aioli, scallions, and bean sprouts. This was so filling and satisfying. The lemon aioli really pulled the flavors together.

The Wagyu picanha came next, and it was melt-in-your-mouth incredible. It came with yucca fries that were the crispiest and tastiest I’ve ever had.

By the time the chocolate crunch cake made it to the table, I was really forgetting to take pictures, but I managed to snap one after one bite. The cake was light but filled with rich chocolatey flavor and just the right amount of toffee crunch.

There was also this delightful fish tank that faced our table as we ate, and one of the fish clearly flirted shamelessly with me. I’m not gonna’ lie—it factored favorably into the tip we left.

Nate and I both rated this restaurant experience 10/10.

Old Town Pizza and Brewing (Friday Lunch)

Haunted pizza joint AND beer? Yes, please! Old Town Pizza and Brewing is old timey saloon haunted. The history is linked here, and they do ghost tours, but we didn’t have time

Nate and I split a margherita pizza (Nate’s half had pepperoni) and it really hit the spot. The crust was pillowy, and the pizza was piping hot. It hit the spot. The lager I ordered (Old Baby) was crisp and refreshing. Whichever beer Nate ordered (I forget)—he didn’t like it as much.

I rated the pizza + beer as an 8/10

Nate’s rating: 6/10

Conference Dinner (Friday)

I was a judge in the humor category for the Independent Book Publishers Awards, so I was invited to the conference dinner with Nate as my guest. It was a super fun night. All the participants at the conference were incredibly kind, and the organizers were outstanding. The hotel dining staff did an amazing job of serving us all.

The evening started with a cash bar—and the pours were generous. I had “red” wine before dinner and a glass of “white” after. (They weren’t really that memorable, but I enjoyed them. They were, however, expensive.)

Next, we went into the banquet hall to try to find a table. Nate and I finally found one with two seats empty next to one another. Our places were set with plates, a dinner roll, and what I presumed was a soup course. But the other places at the able also had salads. So before we sat down, the other members of the table told us, with so much confidence I assumed it was coming from a higher authority, that we had to look for tables set with salads—and if no one’s name card was in front of them—we were to just take those salads and bring them back to our places.

An unintentionally strange ice breaker ensued as Nate and I went to different tables, looking for salads:

Nate & Cecilia: Hello…don’t mean to be weird but, is anyone using this salad?

Guest at Random Table: No?

Nate & Cecilia: Okay. We’ve been told to just take it.

Guest at Random Table: ?

Nate & Cecilia: So lovely to meet you! Thanks!

The salad was fresh and delicious—lightly dressed. The roll, on the other hand, was almost a medical emergency for me. (So dry!) When the salad and roll plates were cleared, I announced to Nate that I was going to try the soup course.

Nate: I think it’s dessert.

Me: No. It looks like a cold soup—maybe fruity. Be prepared for it to be sweet.

Nate: I really think it’s dessert.

Me: (Placing a spoon into the bowl and noticing some kind of cream custard underneath.) Mystery solved! It’s dessert.

Next came the French breast (of chicken), which was plated with mashed potatoes with green beans and cherry tomatoes. The mashed potatoes were creamy and delicious. The chicken was…definitely dead. (Forgot the picture of the main meal, but honestly, you’re not missing much.)

When I finally moved onto dessert, I couldn’t figure out what it was. There was some kind of fruit topping, but I couldn’t determine which fruit it came from, and the cream custard was odd.

Our rating for this one? At least we were full, and the awards ceremony prompted us to buy more books that night.

Farmhouse Kitchen Thai Cuisine (Saturday Lunch)

On a rainy day, we threw ourselves at the mercy of this place—and it was bright and cheerful inside. We wanted something fresh, and the spicy papaya salad with grilled shrimp definitely delivered in my opinion. I washed my salad down with a Level Japanese style rice lager, which was perfect. Nate also had the salad but wasn’t as impressed with it as I was.

Cecilia’s rating: 8.5/10

Nates rating: 6/10

Deschutes Brewery Portland Public House (Saturday Snack)

Still raining. Still hungry. We popped into the Deschutes Brewery and Public House to have a pint and an appetizer. I got the Collegio Crispy pilsner, which was slightly bitter but definitely crisp and clean. Nate’s beer was better. It was a porter, and it tasted like chocolate. Nate chased his beer down with some wings, and I had the hot pretzel, which was pretty good. The inside was soft and yeasty—and I liked the stone ground mustard dip. I wished they had just served the mustard alone without the beer cheese.

Nate and I rated this one 8/10, but Nate’s beer was definitely a 10/10.

Hale Pele Tiki Bar (Saturday Dinner)

Nate’s Hawaiian shirt had its best night ever. The drinks and atmosphere rating was a whopping 200,000/10 for us. We’re talking bamboo hut with “lightning storms” every few seconds.

We were seated at the bar and watched super experienced bartenders and staff fluidly mix drinks with a flawless flair. And some of those drinks were on fire—literally.

My first drink was the Jungle Bird: rum, fresh pineapple juice, and amaro. The menu says it’s from the Kuala Lumpur Hilton, 1978. It was beautiful, perfectly balanced, and sweet.

I sipped on it and ordered the short ribs, which came with a caramel-like glaze that tasted like soy and honey. The macaroni salad side was creamy with crunchy fresh veggies.

For my second drink, I got the Pole Star (an original Hale Pele drink). This one had notes of rum, lime, cinnamon, vanilla, and anise. It was like drinking a sugar cookie.

Nate got one of the flaming drinks. Hale Pele is a small, tight space, so every time a flaming drink came anywhere near me, I ducked. But the servers and bartenders are so good at what they do, I had no need to hide under the table.

For dessert, Nate and I split the Passion Fruit Batida, made with cachaça, passion fruit and coconut cream. (It tasted like sherbet!) We also split the bread pudding, which was made with Hawaiian bread. This dessert was very warm and satisfying. Just the right amount of cinnamon and ice cream.

The drinks were all 10s. The food was about an 8.5 or 9.

When we finished, we Uber-ed back to the hotel, dreaming of an escape to Hawaii.

Your Turn: I’m looking for tips on good restaurants/places to visit in your town. Drop ‘em in the comments!