Fixin' Leaks and Leeks

When the sky hits your eye—and hair and legs—with fiery pellets from the fallout of extremely enthusiastic fireworks displays, that’s “amore,” Fourth of July style in my neighborhood. The action starts off innocently enough around lunchtime with a few blasts, which really makes that boring peanut butter sandwich taste so much more—I don’t know? Dangerous?… Continue reading The Freedom Fountain and Other Things I’ll Make Next Year, July 4th

Between intermittent rounds of fireworks, which add much-needed excitement to the lull between June 30th and July 4th, I can hear the windowsill of my home office complaining. It has just about had it with me because it has not seen anything “interesting” since the cilantro plant incident of August 2017, in which an otherwise… Continue reading The Windowsill Wants a Container Garden

Tall, dry spindly things are poking up out of the lawn and I’m seriously concerned about them. I swear they’re talking smack every time I walk by—saying things like, “You think you can take us down? Really?” And that’s when I just go crazy and start training at water aerobics for 50 minutes a day,… Continue reading Show the Lawn Who’s Boss: Mow it!

An unexpected and horrible side effect of strawberry picking is the urge to clean out the freezer. I’ve fought this urge valiantly over the past year and a half—scoffing at loose frozen vegetables that are rolling about the bottom bin. I just cover them with stray Popsicles, but eventually a tower of frozen pizzas and… Continue reading Strawberry Picking Results in Organized Freezers, Homemade Muffins, and Bramping

My underpants helped me lose a humorous writing contest in a most spectacular way. This year’s Erma Bombeck Writing Contest, which would be judged by THE Dave Barry—for a few lucky finalists—prompted me to write about the time my underpants were destroyed. I laughed while I wrote. I laughed when I read the essay out… Continue reading How To Recycle Underpants

Rare and elusive, the sand dollar—in its whole form and not broken—is so valuable to me that I truly believe I could use at least five of them to pay outright for a hot tub: Me: Hi, there. I’ll take the Hot Bubbles 2020 Executive Model Spa. Sales Clerk: That’s a top-of-the-line pick—nice choice! Now,… Continue reading Sand Dollars, Bleach, and a Hot Tub

A Zombie infestation broke out on my treadmill the other day and I couldn’t be happier. Packs of hungry “Zoms” chased me for 3.3 miles while I completed some kind of mission—and I guess I was successful because I survived, picked up 11 supplies, and stole a CDC file while detouring through a hospital. (I… Continue reading How to Run with Zombies

A fiery, brilliant Pacific Northwest sun came blazing out of the sky and smacked me hard—really hard—on the legs on Mother’s Day weekend. To be fair, I wore sunscreen everywhere else— but my legs—on the weekend that Nate, Alex, and I walked along the Whidbey Island beaches for nearly 5 ½ hours. I figured I… Continue reading One Whale of a Sunburn

During a Halloween blitz through Epcot just a few years ago, inspiration struck me as I watched a woman stumble through the streets of the World Showcase. She had a beer in one hand and was wearing a shiny tiara. In that moment, I thought to myself, “I should really wear tiaras more often. They… Continue reading Craft Alert: “Everywhere” is Special When You’re Wearing a Crown, So Make One for Mother’s Day

If it hurts, don’t do it, unless it involves a spicy gauntlet of the Bongos Café fiery shrimp and black beans plate, which I believe must measure at least 100,000 units on the Scoville Heat Scale. Then, in that case, I suggest that you do it again, and again and again with plenty of yucca… Continue reading Black Bean Salsa Dreams