Evil spirit possession, in a macaroni salad, is rare, but it can happen. It happened to me just now, and here’s how I think it all went down: I made an innocent-enough looking macaroni salad and placed it in the refrigerator. It was happily skipping along, talking to the sliced deli meats and eggs, when all of the sudden, a jar of pickled olives pulled out an Ouija board. At first, all of the foods in the refrigerator just asked it things like, “Does Macaroni Salad have a crush on Celery?” The answer, of course, was “yes.” Then, they asked it when Macaroni Salad would die, and the answer was, “Soon. A family of three will eat you.” Macaroni Salad was scared, but the jar of pickled olives promised to make everything better by calling upon the spirit of a package of cream cheese. Those cruel olives just laughed wickedly when Macaroni Salad grew eyes of cream cheese, black olive slices, and pieces of red pepper.
When I pulled the salad out of the refrigerator, I decided it was only mildly possessed and that we could still eat it. Here’s how you can make your own delicious, mildly possessed “evil” macaroni salad this Halloween:
–1-pound box of elbow macaroni pasta cooked, drained, and cooled under cold water.
–1 cup of chopped red, yellow, and orange peppers.
–1 celery stalk chopped.
–1/4 of an onion chopped.
–1/4 of a cup of mayonnaise (I used fat free and it was good).
–1/4 of a cup of sour cream (Again, I used fat free and the recipe turned out fine).
–1 teaspoon of white vinegar.
–1/2 teaspoon of salt.
–1 teaspoon of ground black pepper.
–1/4 of a teaspoon of dill (dried).
–1/2 of a block of cream cheese.
–Five black olive slices.
–Five small pieces of red bell pepper.
–In a large mixing bowl, combine all of the macaroni salad ingredients.
–For the eyeballs, form five balls of cream cheese with your hands.
–Place the black olive slices in the middle and then place the small pieces of red bell pepper in the middle of the olives.
Results—in the form of an ode:
Oh, Evil Macaroni Salad, with your tasty, tasty ways,
You are worthy of so much praise.
A dash of dill is a devilish tweak.
Shine on, you crazy What-The-Freak.
Your Turn: Do you like macaroni salad? Is there a food to which you would add “evil” eyeballs?