Fixin' Leaks and Leeks

Flouncing through the funhouse of horrors is a real scream, but home is where the haunts are, especially if you’re looking to save some money, while losing your mind. Sure, you could pay $90 a ticket to experience the Slaughterhouse of Supernatural Stunts and Snacks, which pops up every year in town, but that’s what meat will cost per pound in just a matter of days. So do Future You a good solid and scare the living daylights out of Present You with a ghost story that you make up, based on a room in the house. (It costs nothing!) In this case, I’ve chosen the garage because it has been a terror this year, FOR REAL.

Every year, I write a DIY ghost story around Halloween time, and sacrifice incorporate Nate, Alex, and myself into the fictional arc, which is not very complex or all that scary. (But it’s free!) Sometimes, in the comments, readers ask me if we’re okay and if we need to speak to professionals about all the horrors we’ve endured. I’m not sure if they are asking about just this blog post or all the others as a whole, but I can assure those readers that we are mostly okay. The possessed garage door opener story which follows didn’t really happen, but it is based on true-life events detailed in this blog post here.

In any case, here’s this year’s DIY ghost story. Bet you can’t lurk away, mwahahahahahahahahahhahahah!!!

Possessed Garage Door Opener

A moon the size of a giant glowing wheel of parmesan, waiting for a plate of space spaghetti to go whizzing by, hangs ominously over the Fixin’ Leaks and Leeks household. It’s 3:00 a.m. The house is silent, except suddenly, the garage door opens. At first, no one can hear it because they’re deep in sleep, dreaming about the tasty mummy dogs Cecilia made for dinner, but the garage door is relentless, banging open and closed…

Cecilia: Nate! It’s happening! Bigfoot is here, and he’s let himself into the garage. I thought I’d be super excited about it, but it’s actually frightening, now that it’s happening.

Nate: Nah. It’s just Alex coming home from a night out with friends.

Cecilia: Why would he use the garage? All the space is taken up by our cars, the treadmill, environmentally safe mouse repellent “potpourri,” a lawnmower, and a bunch of other stuff I can’t identify.

Nate: Oh, crap! You’re right. This is it. This is it. We have intruders! Stay in bed.

Cecilia: What are you going to do?

Nate: Honestly, I don’t know.

Cecilia: I’m coming with you.

Nate: Should we get Alex? I think he’s asleep in his room.

Cecilia: Nah. If something happens to us, at least he’s had a good night’s rest and can deal with whatever becomes of us in the morning.

Nate: Good thinking.

The sound of the garage door opening and closing gets louder and more frantic. The door seems to be opening and closing at an alarmingly rapid pace. When Cecilia and Nate open the door from the kitchen that leads to the garage, they see that the light at the ceiling is flickering and wild winds are whipping through the garage, tearing at the treadmill cover and blowing dead leaves and dry dirt into the air.

Nate: Did you accidentally toss the garage door opener into the garbage disposal by any chance?

Cecilia: When have I ever done that? Why is that the first thing that comes to your mind?

Nate: Well, there was the shot glass incident, where you accidentally turned on the garbage disposal with the shot glass down the drain, and there was that other time when…

Cecilia: I’ve never carried the garage door opener into the house. It’s always stayed in the car. Who takes it into the house? And then drops it into the garbage disposal?

Nate: I don’t know, I just thought maybe…

Suddenly, an evil laugh cuts through the howling wind.

Disembodied Voice: In or out? Out or in? Will you live? Let the fun begin!

Nate: Okay, here’s what’s happening. The garage door opener is not in the garbage disposal.

Cecilia: Really?

Nate: The garage door opener is probably fine. It’s just that it’s being possessed by an evil spirit. Let me see if I can get on a chat with this guy from a YouTube video I saw.

Cecilia: How do you know that YouTube guy isn’t a scammer? He hacks into your garage door remote control, makes it look like your garage is possessed, and then asks for your social security number, home address, and your mom’s maiden name, so that he can fix it and take out a new mortgage in your name.

Nate: Right. Good thinking. I’ll just do random searches on my phone.

Disembodied Voice: You are sooooo doomed! There is nothing you can do. I control the garage now. You’ll never get your cars out, and if the door sticks at the top, anyone and everyone can steal your treadmill.

Cecilia: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Disembodied Voice: Yessss!!! Also, if I can do this to the garage door, imagine what I can do to other parts of the house. You will never rest again. Well, Alex might. He can sleep through most anything.

Nate: That’s true. But that doesn’t mean you can keep haunting us! Not while I still have internet and a phone.

Cecilia: Why couldn’t it have been Bigfoot? Why does it have to be this? Why is it always something like this?

More wind whips through the garage, along with lightning. The evil entity has turned the lawnmower upside down and balanced it on top of Cecilia’s car. Meanwhile, Nate has momentarily left the garage and returned with a bottle of cleaning fluid.

Cecilia: What’s that for?

Nate: The sensors for the garage door are blocked—probably by the evil ghost that’s doing all of this. I must get to the sensors and spray them with this cleaning fluid.

Cecilia: I’ll come with you!

Nate: No. I’ll need someone to stay by the door and hit the manual button at precisely the right time.

Cecilia: Right. Will do. But be careful Nate, please!

Nate runs to the edge of the garage, where the door slams open and shut, but now, razor sharp teeth, which appear to have grown from out of nowhere, threaten. The howling wind, which was cold, is now heating up—as if trying to melt the plastic of the glass cleaner Nate is using. Nate’s wiping his brow, his right bicep pulsing as he squeezes the glass cleaner trigger over the sensor.

Cecilia: Squeeze harder, Nate! Harder!

Nate: I am. It’s just that it’s so hot in here.

Cecilia: Welcome to menopause. Welcome to my world.

Nate: Seriously, it’s like a sauna.

Cecilia: Have you tried removing your shirt?

Nate: Ah, yes. Good idea.

Nate rips his shirt from his body and sprays the heck out of the garage door sensors. The opening and closing ceases.

Disembodied Voice: Glass cleaner is my weakness….ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!

Nate: NOW!

Cecilia presses the manual garage door button, and the door closes. She tries again, and the door opens, normally.

Nate: Whew! Glad that’s over.

Cecilia: But is it? Really? Could it happen again?

Nate: Well, I can check the settings on the garage door openers.

Nate rummages around in his car, and in Cecilia’s, to retrieve the garage door openers. Using tools Cecilia didn’t even know were in the garage, Nate opens the remotes to inspect them.

Nate: Oh, now this explains everything.

Cecilia: What is it?

Nate: We never checked the original settings that came with the garage door opener. They’re all set to “beheading mode.”

Cecilia: Well, now that does explain everything.

Cecilia throws her arms around Nate’s neck, relieved that Alex never even had to wake up once to witness the horrors of the possessed garage door opener. The gigantic cheese moon shines brightly as Nate lifts Cecilia into his arms, places her gently in his car, and takes her on a wild ride to get a poltergeist pumpkin Frappuccino at the drive-thru, knowing full well the garage door can’t behead them on the way home.

Your Turn: What is an appliance in your home that has you a little on edge at the moment?