Happy little heads of broccoli, that rise up out of the soil and sing a lovely morning song that goes, “Get up! Get up! The house is on fire! Now that you’re awake, I think I’ll eat the cat”—will NOT be joining the Fixin’ Leaks and Leeks Team any time soon. Although a package of seeds that Nate bought a while ago says, “Broccoli,” what’s inside is actually a micro-green variety that’s more reminiscent of Chia Pet hair.
The package that Nate bought is a kind of DIY kit that seems absolutely foolproof, but Nate stays close by when I open it—mostly out of curiosity—but also in case the following things happen:
–I attempt to open the package with hedge clippers because I can’t find the scissors.
–The package bursts open, and seeds go everywhere.
–I sever the water line at the sink somehow and, for some reason, water sprays all over the place.
–The seeds take root, and our house turns into an actual Chia Pet house. The neighborhood Facebook page blows up overnight with complaints, and the HOA has to get involved.
–As punishment, we have to sell everyone’s unwanted stuff at the next garage sale—and figure out a way for everyone to park their boats and trailers in a safe and attractive manner throughout the neighborhood.
Luckily, none of the above happens. The instructions for the “Back to the Roots” growing kit couldn’t be easier—and more fun. The kit consists of a biodegradable “grow tray, a “soil disc,” and a packet of seeds. All I have to do is:
–Place the “soil disc” into the “grow tray” and add 1/3 cup of water. In 30 seconds or less, the soil disc grew in a most fantastic, yet unmistakably phallic manner.
–Crumble up the soil and spread it evenly about the tray. (Nate inspected my work. I don’t know why. I haven’t turned the house into a Chia Pet, yet.)
–Sprinkle on the seeds and add 3 tablespoons of water. (There are sooo many seeds. So, at least one should grow. I should be able to put one sprout on a veggie burger one day. That will be the best day ever. I can’t wait.)
–Cover the tray with a cardboard lid that’s provided. I’m also supposed to text GROW to 888111 for reminders, which I did. The resulting message said that It will remind me when 48 hours are over, which is when I’m supposed to remove the lid and see little sprouts. The texting reminder service is a big plus for me. I wish there were texting reminder services for other things I forget about, such as how long I’ve had my yoga pants and when it’s time to get a new scented candle. Oh, the headaches I’d save myself!
In any case, the entire ordeal only took about five minutes tops. That’s my kind of planting project. With any luck, I’ll have enough long, luxurious locks of broccoli strands to last three glorious days. The neighborhood Facebook page will explode with comments like “That windowsill of the house on__ Street is out of control!” And I’ll reply, “Jealous much?”—and I’ll add a very sassy plant emoji.
Your Turn: Have you ever had a Chia Pet or plants that you grew from a kit? What were your results/memories?