How to Whoop it Up When Fireworks are Banned

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Rivers of silence, exploding with feathery pillows of wispy breezes and sunlight that sparkles like a mofo pyrotechnic dream, are about to come true this Fourth of July in my neighborhood. Fireworks are banned in our area, and there’s a fire ban as well because of the dry conditions. I couldn’t be happier (about the fireworks ban) but judging by the incendiary reactions of some neighbors who budgeted in a $500 fine with their purchase of fireworks so that they could let loose anyway, I think I should at least suggest some alternative, cool and fun ways to get lit:

  • There is still the parade. The neighborhood puts on a fun parade for the kids in the afternoon. And, it’s still on, as far as I know. Strap those cute kids and puppies into wagons and send them as fast as you can down the steep hills—burn rubber, not fuses. Maybe, from now on, the parade could be a race? With prizes? Also, I’ve ooed and awed over the RVs, boats, and extra cars lined up all over the neighborhood for months. Now, let’s put them in motion! Why let them stay idle all year? How about decorating them, starting them up, and giving them a spin around the block?
  • Have an actual 5K walk or run. If you do it at night, you can use glow sticks—turn your body into a firecracker (metaphorically speaking).
  • Neighbors (who are still sober after the parade at noon) can volunteer to drive other neighbors to professional fireworks shows. So, yes, some of you can still get sh*tfaced in your backyard AND see fireworks. And nothing beats professional-grade, choreographed shows. I hate to say this, but the fireworks displays in the neighborhood are just not that good. I’ve seen better explosions from a can of punctured silly string that lets loose on an airplane. Please watch this video to find out what it takes to be an actual pyrotechnic rock star. To make things easier, here are some notes I took while watching:

–The training takes years—sometimes generations of families. In other words, one night a year, after raiding the parking lot selection of fireworks at Safeway, won’t cut it.

–The fireworks are stored in thick, heavy, concrete sheds—not the garage, in boxes.

–They use computers to light the fuses, not their bare hands, soaked in beer.

  • Somewhere, in my neighborhood, there is a comedian and I think a few musicians. Can’t we pull together a comedy musical? I think there may be some cheerleaders and dancers as well? I’ve also seen the neighborhood pictures on Facebook of beer, cake, used lawnmowers, exercise equipment, cookies, savory fried pastry things, air fryers, a Black and Decker play set, and garage cabinets. That all sounds like a recipe for the biggest raffle/concert/cooking contest extravaganza the entire world has ever seen. (I get dibs on the Black and Decker play set.)

In other words, there are so many new and exciting ways to get that hung-over feeling you crave the day after the Fourth of July—with that warm glow of firecrackers and rockets blazing in your heart, but not exploding with actual ejaculated bits of char all over the yard.

Peace out.

Your Turn: If you have neighbors, have you met them? Does your neighborhood do anything fun together? What’s banned in your neighborhood?

Published by ckennedy

Author of the DIY blog: Fixin' Leaks and Leeks. Paper/Rock Writing Consultation, Sole Proprietor.

25 thoughts on “How to Whoop it Up When Fireworks are Banned”

  1. Well, I believe I’ve answered your first few questions in a recent post about our neighborhood block party. At said party, I learned that one neighbor has started a facebook page about banning fireworks. They do go off in our area at any old day of the year, and it is dangerous as we’re in CA, which, of course, is also fire country. :/

    I really like your idea of a neighborhood party! If you could pull that off, I’m sure it would be a good time.

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    1. That would be fun! It’s about 4:33 p.m. here where I live in on the West Coast, and so far, little to no fireworks, which has been heavenly!!! Usually, by this time, the parents have sent kids out to the front yard with boxes of fireworks to keep them busy throughout the day until the big extravaganza at night, but not this time. Hope it lasts!

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    1. Ahhh. Sounds like where I grew up. We used to get hunters on our property, not knowing our house was back there–though there were huge signs saying “Private Property.” Sheesh.

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    1. Yep. We have the same, dry conditions here in the Pacific Northwest. So far, the neighborhood has been obeying the rules. I hope they continue to do so. The quiet has been nice.

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      1. Around here it’s a game to avoid getting caught by the fire department as they are the ones who issue fines. I expect it will be loud within 6 blocks of where I live. The people outdo the city when it comes to firework displays although it tends to be probabluy a dozen different families doing it.

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  6. Oh, wow, it’s disappointing if people are budgeting for a fine. I wonder how they might feel if their decisions result in bushfires (that’s what we call what you call wildfires). I wonder how they might feel if their decisions result in property loss, animal harm/death, human harm, or human death.
    During 2019/2020 summer, we experienced devastating bushfires across much of the populated areas and unpopulated parts of Australia. There was so much loss.
    I hope no loss or harm happens around you.

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    1. Unfortunately, some people think that because they are lighting off fireworks at home, they are safe, which is completely untrue. We can learn a lot from Australia. So far though, I must say, the neighbors have been obeying the rules. We even got to take a nap today–along with the cat. Hope it holds out through the evening.

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      1. It’s reassuring to read that you are experiencing peace and quiet. When I lived in Darwin, firecrackers were often enjoyed all year round. The poor dogs in the suburbs would go spare.

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