Biscuits can anchor a ship’s worth of toppings, and I’ve witnessed them all, as a self-proclaimed salty Sea Captain of Snacks. If you’re ever caught in a topping storm, and you need a boat to hold them all in, grab a savory, dependable biscuit. Throughout my years as the Sea Captain of Snacks, I’ve seen biscuits pass calmly through the Straits of Fried Chicken and Gravy, cross the Passage of Macaroni and Cheese and Salami Sticks completely intact, and brave the waters of the Pie-Filling Canal. But my favorite is a classic: Mini Biscuit Pizzas. These snacks will definitely keep you anchored to the couch in case you bought the Disney+/Hulu package and want to binge-watch everything you can—because you can. And a can is all you need: of biscuit dough. Rip it open and let your imagination swim wild.
Ideas for mini biscuit pizzas reach unfathomable depths, especially on the internet (2,950,000,000), but here’s what I like to do with a can of biscuit dough:
Pre-heat the oven to the temperature indicated on the biscuit package.
- Prepare the toppings: Cut up leftover vegetables like peppers, banana peppers, onions, tomatoes, squash, corn, broccoli, leeks, sun-dried tomatoes, olives, mushrooms—whatever you like—even pineapple. If you like meat on your pizza, use pepperoni, ham, sausage, bacon, Canadian bacon, or even leftover cooked chicken breasts (cut up).
- Prepare the sauce: I like to mix together a 15-ounce can of tomato sauce, a teaspoon of chopped garlic, a sprinkle of red pepper flakes, dried Italian herbs (two tablespoons), ½ tablespoon of granulated sugar, and ½ teaspoon of salt. Or you can use your favorite canned/jarred pizza sauce—or barbecue sauce—or whatever you might have on hand.
- Place the biscuit rounds onto a baking pan lightly sprayed with baking spray. Flatten them just a bit with your hands.
- Place the sauce and desired toppings on top.
- Add cheese: I like shredded mozzarella, but provolone, and parmesan work well—or a combination of the three—or any other cheese you happen to like on a pizza.
- Bake for the time indicated on the biscuit package—but keep checking on the mini pizzas to make sure the dough is cooked all the way through. You might have to cook a little longer than the package directions say.
Results: As the Sea Captain of Snacks, I want to break into a sea shanty every time I have one of these pizzas. They certainly answer the time-old question: “What do you do with a drunken sailor?” Using rusted instruments to shave him down can’t be the only answer. After a while, you’d get bored—and hungry. And these mini biscuit pizzas hit the spot—but you’ll never have enough of them when the crew comes home from college and Costco, with wild ideas about things they’ve seen on a biscuit. So you’ll just look at them, with the wisdom you’ve accumulated over the years while tossed about the wildest, snackiest of seas, and you’ll say: Ahoy, maties! Thar be mini biscuit pizzas on the port side of the house. Best to grab’em ‘fore the macaroni sharks do.
In Other News: I have a flash-fiction horror story up at Bombfire Literary Magazine. It’s called “Neighborhood Starfish Collector.”
Your Turn: What’s your favorite TV Binge-Watching Snack?