Scary Hot

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If spooky season isn’t spicy enough for you, take the “Paqui One Chip Challenge,” and send your tastebuds to a fiery dungeon where demons stab them with pitchforks. That’s the only way to describe this experience—and I didn’t even really complete the entire challenge.

The “Paqui One Chip Challenge” consists of opening a coffin-shaped package that comes with LOTS of warnings. (See pictures below.) You’re supposed to eat the entire blue tortilla chip at once (which is coated with a variety of the strongest peppers in the world) and hold off on drinking or eating anything else for as long as you possibly can. You’re then encouraged to show off how spicy you are by standing under a little banner that says, “I Crushed the One Chip Challenge”—or something to that effect.

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I only took a teensy tiny corner of it, placed it on my tongue, and wished I hadn’t. I proceeded to wash my hands after touching the chip, but my fingertip on my right index finger is still numb, while I type this official report of my findings. (Please excuse any spicy typos.)

As the thick peppery coating assaulted my innards, I drank milk and ate an English muffin coated in honey—and cried. My stomach did some kind of flippy thing and perhaps partially dissolved.

Nate also had a tiny, tiny portion of the chip—and then he did something I wouldn’t recommend: he operated a vehicle, driving it all the way to Costco. I asked him for a “proof of life photo” once he got there. He sent me one of walls and walls of Funko Pops! that they are now selling in Costco. This means he has made it, and a side effect of the chip is most likely mild to moderate distraction. (This just in: He has returned, mesmerized by wrapping paper he found. “Feel the weight of these wrapping paper rolls,” he says. “Each roll is double-sided, so we have six choices!”)

But how does the chip taste? Well, I don’t remember a taste exactly—just pain and blurriness from the tears. We left the rest of the chip on the counter (wrapped in plastic baggies and tucked behind a retaining wall of aluminum foil) for Alex, who just might eat the whole thing. The cat looked interested too—a purrrfect catastrophe in the making—so we have cat-proofed the chip, for sure.

This chip is also uniquely formulated to turn your tongue blue. The only way to tell for sure is to muster the strength to stick your tongue out of your mouth and look in a mirror. I was pretty much down for the count, so I can only assume it turned some kind of unhealthy color that the American Medical Association most likely frowns upon.

As a result of all of this, dinner tonight will consist of oatmeal, mashed potatoes, and a few Saltines—but I’ll consume it all while wearing a shirt that says, “I’m Spicy Enough, Thank You.”

Your Turn: What’s the most daring food (spicy or not) that you’ve tried?

33 thoughts on “Scary Hot

  1. My gustatory cells and I are real buds, I would never put them through this pepper ordeal, I am a pore friend indeed. I’ve eaten crickets and grubs but don’t think that’s too adventurous, maybe cod’s tongues? The food that licks you back. Somehow that seems weirder than cow tongue which was pretty common in the delis near my grandparents house.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m a chili head. While I’ve never done a challenge, I’ve told servers that if I didn’t cry while eating it it wasn’t spicy enough. I guess specifically, there’s a Thai place near us that made a soup, this was like 25 years ago, and I don’t think there was enough milk to drink after I ate the soup

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  3. We’ve tried the same thing with a hot sauce challenge. I stopped right away because I have an aversion to feeling like I’m going to die, but our neighbour persevered to the point that he was crying!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I wouldn’t have even attempted a tiny piece. Good for you, and this post, as usual, was hilarious. I do enjoy trying new things, but I draw the line at spicy. I don’t believe eating should be painful. I’ve done the french versions of snails and squid, some octopus (chewy), various four-legged herd animals and other random ocean dwellers. That’s about it.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Wow! I’m almost tempted by this challenge! It’s not really daring at all, but I had this Dave’s Insanity Hot Sauce, and, well immune to spicy foods, I dumped it liberally all over my burrito. Whew, it was hot, hot, hot!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Checking in, are you still alive? Did you survive the ordeal? Honestly, I’m not very food adventurous, so I think the strangest thing I ever tried was caviar. Disappointingly, it tastes like nothing and has a strange texture. 😦

    Liked by 1 person

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