Cheetos droppings have accumulated on the floor in my office, and I’ve blamed the cat, global warming, and hornet wasps. However, the other Fixin’ Leaks and Leeks Team members (Nate, Alex, and the cat) know the truth: I’m not careful when I eat the snack foods that fuel my ability to write underpants jokes and… Continue reading Psyche Yourself Up to Clean the House

Caramel apples came looking for me on the streets late one night. They were pierced with rugged wooden sword-picks and dangerously close to my face, but I didn’t run or scream. Typically, when accosted with samples, I usually bolt—mostly because I don’t like surprises or changes in my routine. So, if I’m walking down the… Continue reading Candy Apples: Aggressive Sampling

Today, the craft alarm sounded like a grinding lawnmower, chomping along, growing with maddening intensity—as if it were possessed—until the sweaty, yet determined driver of the machine (Nate), suddenly stopped. He picked up a tuft of dirt and grass in the backyard, inspected it, and put it right back where he found it. Then, he… Continue reading Craft Alert: Bunnies Lurking Underground

Staring into the gaping mouth of a meatball sub—its beady, meaty eyes dripping with red sauce and gazing into the soul—elicits one of two reactions in my household: 1) Bring it! (me) and 2) WTF?!! (Nate and Alex). Last week, I proposed the idea of serving a weeknight-meatball-sub-meal with the enthusiasm of a budding teenage… Continue reading Meatball Sub Night: It’s Not Weird

Finding tentacle-like, space-alien green things in the refrigerator is no need for alarm, especially if they’re in a jar and floating in a briny solution. They’re not actually pickled space creatures. They’re pickled banana peppers, and they’re amazing. About this time last year, I emerged from my office, bleary eyed after reading “news of the… Continue reading Nate’s Pickled Peppers

Animal Behavior Bingo is the gift that keeps on giving long after you’ve left the zoo. Heck, it’s quite the gift before you even leave home. Before going to the zoo, print out this bingo card and let your imagination run wild about what you might see (or hope to see) the animals doing when… Continue reading Animal Behavior Bingo

If scorching temperatures warp the sliding glass door, such that it won’t slide open anymore, there’s no need to run out the front entrance, scale the fence to the side yard, and risk ramming splinters into your thighs. You’ll just be disappointed. You’ll discover that the gnome house you thought you saw in the backyard… Continue reading The Door is Not a Jar

In my darkest fears, a great white lurks in the toilet bowl, swimming pools team with gangs of rowdy makos, and a restless tiger shark circles the floor space between my bed and the bathroom at 3 a.m. However, it had never occurred to me to fear the depths of the innocent margarita glass, until… Continue reading It’s Shark Week: Drink Up!

Rivers of silence, exploding with feathery pillows of wispy breezes and sunlight that sparkles like a mofo pyrotechnic dream, are about to come true this Fourth of July in my neighborhood. Fireworks are banned in our area, and there’s a fire ban as well because of the dry conditions. I couldn’t be happier (about the… Continue reading How to Whoop it Up When Fireworks are Banned

Amidst a heat wave-induced brownout, I noticed that the potato masher was missing from the Fixin’ Leaks and Leeks kitchen, and I needed it so that I could sneak up on four bananas and turn them into banana bread. If they saw the blender (which was already occupied for making piña coladas), they’d run for… Continue reading Banana Bread Mysteries: Unsolved